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| "FRIENDS VS. JEWISH FRIENDS" FRIENDS: Never ask for food. JEWISH FRIENDS: Always bring the food. FRIENDS: Will say "hello." JEWISH FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. JEWISH FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. JEWISH FRIENDS: Cry with you. FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave. JEWISH FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just >being together. FRIENDS: know a few things about you. JEWISH FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. JEWISH FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you. FRIENDS: Would knock on your door. JEWISH FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" FRIENDS: Are for a while. JEWISH FRIENDS: Are for life. FRIENDS: Will ignore this. JEWISH FRIENDS: Will forward this. |
Stories
A little April Fools Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard. |
Four Worms and a lesson A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead . Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" That pretty much ended the service -- |
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation. Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called." |
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?" **The salesperson answers, * *"Which one? We have: * *Work out Barbie for $19.95, **Shopping Barbie for $19.95 * *Beach Barbie for $19.95, * *Disco* *Barbie for $19.95, *Divorced Barbie for $265.95. The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265. and the others only $19.95?" The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's Friends" |
told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear. "And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses."Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?" At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...You don't." |
