Short Stories

    1. A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

    I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her
    underwear.

    Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -  and I was in the wrong one.



    Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
    San Francisco



    2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
    patient's anterior chest wall.


       'Big breaths,'. . ... I instructed.
       'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.


    Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
    Seattle ,  WA


    3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a
    massive myocardial infarct.


      Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of
    a 'massive internal fart.'


    Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


    4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his
    doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.


       'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.


       'The patch ...... '


       'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
    places to put it!'

            I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.Yes, the man had
    over fifty patches on his body!

           Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.


    Submitted by Dr Rebecca St. Clair,
    Norfolk ,   VA


    5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been
    bedridden?'

           After a look of complete confusion she answered . .   

          'Why, not for about twenty years - when  my husband was alive.'


    Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,
    Corvallis ,  OR


    6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked
    .. . . 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'


       'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' . .     Bob replied.

            I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'


    Submitted by Dr.. Leonard Kransdorf,
    Detroit


    7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into
    a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting  a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . ..


        It  was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
    immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
    that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the
    grass.'

             Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
    dressing,  which said 'Sorry . . . had to  mow the lawn.'


    Submitted by RN no name


    AND FINALLY!! ! ... . . . ... . . . . ... . . ...


    8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in  OB.  I was quite embarrassed when performing
    female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of
    whistling softly.

          The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out
    laughing and further embarrassing me.

         I looked up from my work and sheepishly said 'I'm sorry.  Was I tickling you?'

      She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . ... ...  
      'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .

         'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener..'


    Dr. wouldn't submit his name . .

    Four Worms and a lesson


    A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to
    his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
    The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
    The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
    The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
    results:
    The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
    The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
    Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .
    Fourth worm in good clean soil -  Alive.

    So the Minister asked the congregation -

    What can you learn from this demonstration?

    Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

    "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"  

    That pretty much ended
     the service --

    Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
    told him he has only 24 hours to live.

    Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she
    agrees, and they make love.

    About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,
    you know I now have only 18 hours to live.   Could we  please do it one
    more
    time?"   Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

    Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he
    now has only 8 hours left.   He touches his wife's  shoulder and asks,
    "Honey, please... just one more time before  I die?"   She says, "Of course,
    dear. "And they make love for the  third time.

    After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.  Ralph, however,

    worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4
    more hours.

    He taps his wife, who rouses."Honey, I have only 4 more hours.   Do you
    think we could.....?"

    At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up
    in the morning...You don't."

    MONDAY

    The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
    having sex...
    Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the  family's
    status, she consulted the family doctor.
    The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt
    to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
    arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her
    and give her a box of condoms.
    Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
    told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

    The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
    'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

    TUESDAY

    A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
    preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
    sermon. Damned good!'
    The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
    The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
    thousand dollars in the offering plate!'


    The preacher said, 'No shit?'

    WEDNESDAY

    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
    With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
    appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
    small penis.
    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
    pancakes.  That should solve the problem.'
    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
    stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
    'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'


    'Just take two,' Brenda replied.  'The rest are for your father.'

    THURSDAY

    One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-
    year-old husband in bed with another woman..  She became violent and
    ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing
    him instantly.  Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was
    asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

    'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he
    could fly.'

    FRIDAY

    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in  Tampa  .  'The material we
    put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
    years ago.. Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  
    Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and
    none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our
    drinking water.  However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
    all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food
    it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
    his       hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

    SATURDAY

    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
    Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-
    haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex
    appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to
    his every word.  His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At the very first
    chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy
    girlfriend?'  Bob replies, 'Girlfriend?  She's my wife!'  They are knocked
    over, but continue to ask.  'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'  'I
    lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

    Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

    SUNDAY

    Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through   Holland  ..  As
    they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
    process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She
    showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.  
    'These' she explained, 'Are       the older goats put out to pasture when
    they no longer produce.'  She then asked, 'What do you do in  America  
    with your old goats?'

    A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Please take a look.  I hope that you will enjoy reading my
short and fun essays.

http://i-ponder-by-eugenia.blogspot.com/

Warm regards,
Eugenia Budman

    WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
    in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
    loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
    the local Target.

    Dear Mrs. Chokeosndick,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
    store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
    of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Chokeosndick,
    are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
    people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
    intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it
    right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
    Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing
    the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them
    in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
    obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you
    people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
    antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible'
    theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of
    funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position
    and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

    And last, but not least:

    15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
    then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
    the clerks passed out.

    Hope, you understand.

    Truly yours,

    Tagret Team