Short Stories

    1. A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

    I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her
    underwear.

    Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -  and I was in the wrong one.



    Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
    San Francisco



    2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
    patient's anterior chest wall.


       'Big breaths,'. . ... I instructed.
       'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.


    Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
    Seattle ,  WA


    3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a
    massive myocardial infarct.


      Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of
    a 'massive internal fart.'


    Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


    4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his
    doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.


       'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.


       'The patch ...... '


       'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
    places to put it!'

            I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.Yes, the man had
    over fifty patches on his body!

           Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.


    Submitted by Dr Rebecca St. Clair,
    Norfolk ,   VA


    5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been
    bedridden?'

           After a look of complete confusion she answered . .   

          'Why, not for about twenty years - when  my husband was alive.'


    Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,
    Corvallis ,  OR


    6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked
    .. . . 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'


       'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' . .     Bob replied.

            I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'


    Submitted by Dr.. Leonard Kransdorf,
    Detroit


    7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into
    a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting  a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . ..


        It  was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
    immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
    that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the
    grass.'

             Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
    dressing,  which said 'Sorry . . . had to  mow the lawn.'


    Submitted by RN no name


    AND FINALLY!! ! ... . . . ... . . . . ... . . ...


    8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in  OB.  I was quite embarrassed when performing
    female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of
    whistling softly.

          The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out
    laughing and further embarrassing me.

         I looked up from my work and sheepishly said 'I'm sorry.  Was I tickling you?'

      She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . ... ...  
      'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .

         'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener..'


    Dr. wouldn't submit his name . .

    Four Worms and a lesson


    A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to
    his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
    The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
    The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
    The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
    results:
    The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
    The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
    Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .
    Fourth worm in good clean soil -  Alive.

    So the Minister asked the congregation -

    What can you learn from this demonstration?

    Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

    "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"  

    That pretty much ended
     the service --

    The Gift

    One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers
      that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and
      asks the salesperson,

    "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

    **The salesperson answers, * *"Which one? We have: * *Work out Barbie
    for $19.95, **Shopping Barbie for $19.95 * *Beach Barbie for $19.95, *
    *Disco* *Barbie for $19.95, *Divorced Barbie for $265.95.

    The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.  
    and the others only $19.95?"
      
    The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes
    with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's
    Computer
    and...One of Ken's Friends"
    Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
    told him he has only 24 hours to live.

    Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she
    agrees, and they make love.

    About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,
    you know I now have only 18 hours to live.   Could we  please do it one
    more
    time?"   Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

    Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he
    now has only 8 hours left.   He touches his wife's  shoulder and asks,
    "Honey, please... just one more time before  I die?"   She says, "Of course,
    dear. "And they make love for the  third time.

    After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.  Ralph, however,

    worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4
    more hours.

    He taps his wife, who rouses."Honey, I have only 4 more hours.   Do you
    think we could.....?"

    At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up
    in the morning...You don't."
    Chemistry mid term

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
    chemistry mid term.

    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
    with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
    pleasure of enjoying it as well:


    Bonus Question:


    Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
    cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
    need
    to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
    they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
    Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
    souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in
    the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
    religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
    religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
    can
    project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
    we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,
    we
    look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
    states
    that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
    volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
    Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
    breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
    then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
    that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
    account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
    true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
    over.
    The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
    that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving
    only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which
    explains
    why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Please take a look.  I hope that you will enjoy reading my
short and fun essays.

http://i-ponder-by-eugenia.blogspot.com/

Warm regards,
Eugenia Budman

    WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
    in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
    loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
    the local Target.

    Dear Mrs. Chokeosndick,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
    store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
    of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Chokeosndick,
    are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
    people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
    intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it
    right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
    Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing
    the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them
    in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
    obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you
    people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
    antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible'
    theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of
    funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position
    and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

    And last, but not least:

    15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
    then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
    the clerks passed out.

    Hope, you understand.

    Truly yours,

    Tagret Team